Why You May Not Be Getting the Help You Desire

Have you ever wondered why you always have to be the one to do everything? Why he can walk past a mess without blinking? Why you end up feeling like the “adult” while he gets to coast?

I hear this from women all the time. It’s exhausting and discouraging. For years, I couldn’t figure out why my husband wasn’t stepping up in the ways I desperately wanted and needed.

It wasn’t until I read The Empowered Wife by Laura Doyle that a powerful truth hit me: I was unintentionally getting in my own way.

Yep. Even with the best intentions, I was creating apathy in my husband, and I didn’t even know it.

Let’s talk about how this happens and what to do instead.

1. Criticizing When He Has Helped (Instead of Showing Gratitude)

Maybe he loads the dishwasher, but not the “right way.”

Maybe he folds the towels, but not the way you prefer.

We don’t mean to nitpick, but our brains just find the negative. But when he hears criticism instead of appreciation, it chips away at his motivation. Men thrive on feeling successful and respected. When they feel like they can’t win, they stop trying.

Have you ever felt motivated after you tried to help someone, but they only focused on what you did wrong?  Me neither!! 

Shift: Celebrate the effort, not the perfection. Appreciation is fuel.

2. Complaining About the Dirty Kitchen (Instead of Expressing a Desire)

We say:“Ugh, this kitchen is always a disaster!”

He hears:“I’m failing.”

Complaints land like criticism, but a desire lands like an invitation.  Think about what you want the end result to be.  

Shift: Instead of complaining, say something like: “I would love a clean kitchen tonight.”

Desires inspire men far more than complaints ever will.

3. Asking… with Hidden Expectations

You ask him to take out the trash, but if he doesn’t do it immediately, you feel let down. You ask him to help, but secretly you expect him to anticipate the need in the first place.

Your words ask for help, but your tone says, “You should already know” or “You have to do this or I will be displeased.”   That pressure and control shuts him down.

Shift: Let asking be simple, humble, and clean. “I’d love some help.” No pressure. No timing requirement. No silent test. He has the freedom to decline without negative consequences. 

So Why Does This Matter?

Because just like you, your husband wants to feel appreciated, capable, and trusted.

When he feels criticized, corrected, or like he’s constantly missing the mark, he becomes apathetic.

Not because he doesn’t care, but because he feels defeated.

I didn’t know I was contributing to that dynamic. I thought I was being helpful, efficient, and responsible. But the more I “took charge,” the less room I left for him to show up.

Once I shifted my approach, everything changed. I started receiving more help and understood how to express desires in a way that inspires!